Editorial by: Jess Richardson
What do you get when you combine a mechanic, a chiropractor and a schoolteacher, with the bearded lady, a pigman, and a cross-eyed pimple boy? What you get is my favorite poker tournament, the Heartland Poker Tour!
If you’ve ever watched a televised final table of the HPT, you’ve probably thought to yourself “these guys look just like me”. Or….maybe not. Most of these folks are truly down home all-American types fit with Nascar caps and Coors Light t-shirts. Don’t look too closely however, ‘cuz there’s some freaks amongst us!
Here’s my story.
A few weeks back, my best buddy called to tell me the HPT was coming to our home state of Colorado. Ahh, my destiny had finally arrived! I grabbed up all the money I’d been hiding from my wife and headed to Blackhawk.
October 1. With a pocket full of cash and Motley Crue rockin’ me into the zone, I arrived at the Golden Gates Casino ready to take down any donkey in my path! After parking the Jeep, I took the elevator down to the first floor, ready to begin my quest for the $130,000 championship prize. I entered my first $75 satellite and got myself focused. To be honest, I was possessed, a man on a mission. Today there would be no distractions, no chit-chat, no comical banter. I was here to rule my table, therefore taking my rightful crown as Lord of All Colorado Poker Players!
I took my seat and began sizing up the competitors whom I would soon destroy. In the #4 seat, under a mysterious veil consisting of a black visor and ‘look out for me because I’m a badass’ sunglasses, I scoped this group of losers and read deep into their souls. I started to my left, seat 5…6…7 and so on, until I got to seat 1. I couldn’t help but notice this guy and his abnormally upturned & pudgy nose. I’m not talking about a guy with a slightly upturned, pudgy nose. I’m talking about a guy whose nostrils turned directly towards me and screamed “OOOOOOOHHHHHHH”! I saw brain. I told myself “don’t even look at that guy, just forget he’s there”. So that’s what I did…..until, by accident…. I looked.
He had just made a large bet at another player, and to hide any tells, he put his hands on the sides of his face, elbows on the table, squishing his chubby cheeks up against his fat, little nose. I don’t know how else to say this – he looked exactly like a pig! I instantly lost all control and started wailing in laughter right there in front of him. It was one of those ‘oh my god, I cannot stop laughing’ types of laughs and the attention of everyone at the table was instantly directed at me. I tried to stop laughing but couldn’t, for a good 5 minutes until I finally wiped the tears away and pulled myself together.
Every few minutes that picture would pop back into my head forcing me into another laughing fit. Finally, I excused myself from the table until I got myself back together once and for all. I never looked at him again. After he finally got busted I asked the remaining players if anyone had seen what I did, and nobody had. Not wanting to be a jerk, I never told them what I was laughing about. I was just grateful he was gone.
Later the same night, at my third satellite I was confronted by a truly disgusting creature. Again I was in seat 4, and a very large, hairy beast of a woman was in seat 2. Her arms were covered in long, greasy, dark brown hair all the way from her wrist to her sleeves. Her face wasn’t any better. The unabrow made me gasp, and the hair that went way too far down the side of her face was oily and stuck to her equally oily skin. She had a mustache that no man could stomach, “certainly she must be single”, I thought to myself. Now, you couldn’t really say she had a beard per say. What she did have however was about 10 or 12, one inch long hairs sticking straight out of her chin. Coming from the pigman table, believe it or not, this was better. I could deal with disgusting much easier than I could deal with something that would make me laugh. I tried not to look at her unless I needed to, and then tried to block out all of the…imperfections.
I busted out of that table fairly early, signed up for my next table, and headed to the bar until my table was called. Upon arriving at the bar, I made conversation with a guy whom I’d noticed was carrying a qualifier certificate. The qualifier certificate meant he’d won a satellite and was on to the next round. He was a regular looking guy, intelligent, and a good personality. About fifteen minutes later, Mrs. Freakshow approached him with a big, juicy kiss. When my wife see’s an ugly man with a hot chick, she says the guy is ‘over-chicked’. In this case, the chick was ‘over-duded’.
I’m not even going to bother telling you about the cross eyed, pimply faced kid who couldn’t keep his hands off his face. Let’s just say that I had no interest in scooping his chips – at least not without a thick pair of rubber gloves.
Thankfully, the final table consisted of none of these people. It was just 6, hard working, family men from Colorado. The winner, Mike Haggard is a paintless dent repair guy. Runner up Steve Klaus is a chiropractor as well as a Gus Hansen look-a-like. These were a great group of guys, who once again demonstrated the Americana that defines the Heartland Poker Tour. Many thanks to all of the men, women, and freaks who played in this fantastic, inaugural event. Be sure to check out the final table action March 15th, and 22nd on your local cable network.
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